BS''D
Simhya
& Zeryah about
their Abba
I did not hold myself together -
Part One
A
copy of the first & second letters sent
to the community
There’s
no doubt our Zion’s (z’’l) in a much better place
But this doesn’t stop tears wearing paths down my face
That lost smile, once found, was more easily made
When recalling your care and the kindness you gave.
With
immense appreciation
Thank You
Gilly, Simhya & Zeryah Asaraf
Since
I have arrived back from Israel many people have asked me how I am.
I usually respond with a standard OK but think to myself that it would
take a lot more time than that to really know what’s going on with
me. Not that people wouldn’t want to share in my thoughts and feelings
but I find that it doesn’t matter how much I say, even to my closest
friends, it doesn't seem to create a true depth of understanding. Thank
G-d not many people that I know have to go through what I am but I can’t
expect that they or anyone could feel the background of a lifetime of
experience and connection with someone that only I shared. I guess like
so many husbands or wives that have become widowed I find that there
is a certain degree of emotional isolation in what I am forced to go
through now that the only person who I could share this with is not
here. I therefore sit down at my lap top and write for hours into the
night, sometimes until morning and I then go to sleep after the girls
go to school. Being in the hospital for six months 24 hours a day, I
don’t have any kind of set routine to eat or sleep, when I am tired
I sleep and when I am hungry I eat. This has proven very productive
in the process of creating this web site. I also experience relief of
burden and create a sustaining connection to Zion (z’’l) by
removing my thoughts and feelings from me onto paper. This is important
because I am constantly struggling with finding ways to feel close to
him even though he is not here.
I find that I have times where I just can’t see the light of day
and want to have him back so badly that I can’t stop the tears
and sadness, but I feel guilty about this because he would not have
wanted me to be like this even though it is my way of expressing the
pain that I feel because he is not here. Other days I just don’t
want to deal with any pain and block everything from my mind so that
I can get things done, but then afterwards I feel like I am losing that
connection with him. Then there are other days that I just want to sleep
and never wake up to this nightmare again and a lot of the time when
I sleep, I know my neshama goes to where Zion is, I dream with him and
he gives me messages that I remember when I wake up. But a person can
not sleep all the time and so I am forced back to my difficult reality
where I use exercise to help me strengthen my mind. When I am running
I feel as though I can disconnect from the pain because I visualize
the pain in a set area that once I have broken through I don’t
feel physical pain, nor emotional pain anymore its just my neshama running
without physical limitations. Or when I have swum underwater for 20
meters of a 25 meter swimming pool and I look around underwater where
I am suspended, everything is quiet and I am traveling through a different
physical phenomena, not through air and it feels like a transmigration
of the soul because when a soul leaves the body it doesn’t have
air nor sound. Exercise strengthens the will of my neshama drive my
mind to force the body to do what I want and I dont let it rule over
me. By doing exercise feel as though I have won a small battle in the
overall war in conquering my yeitzer hara, which I am afraid that if
left unchecked, will try to suck me down into depression and negativity.
My neshama must be strong and be here despite the pain. So for the last
five meters in the pool underwater my lungs are crying out for air and
I want to go up and breathe but I force my body to go on and make it
to the end regardless of the pain, because that’s what I have to
do in this life whether I like it or not.
There are also the games that the role of my mind plays in all of this.
The first few weeks after shivah it was really weird and difficult for
my mind to get used to the concept that Zion (z’’l) was just
not here. My neshama wouldn’t accept that there was a disconnection
and insisted that despite the fact that he was not here physically I
was determined to remain connected to him spiritually just the same
way that I was when he was here. Then the mind got used to the idea
that he was not here and was not coming back and started implementing
survival mechanisms like telling me that I have to get on with life
and I have to do things that make me and the girls feel happy, but the
soul was not happy about this, because it wanted to remain connected
the same way that it was when Zion (z’’l) was here and that
couldn’t be done if I wasn’t totally focused on grieving,
remembering and using all of my time to find ways to connect.
And now, after only three months, the mind is playing tricks on me again
by making me think did I really have someone as precious as Zion(z’’l)
for all those years, was he real or was he an illusion because now there
are just fading memories of him, the closeness is fading, his things
are being tidied up, he is so much not here than when he really was
here, that my mind makes me wonder whether the last fifteen years of
our life have just been a dream and that I have just woken up to my
lonely existence that I was so used to before I met him.
And yes I have to pack up fifteen years of his documents and books because
Zion(z’’l) and I always wanted to go and move back to Israel
so that he could one day enjoy the company of his family. Even though
he never got there, he made a specific request that we go and live there.
So when we were over there Simhya got a position at a school for September
07 and we have filed an application for alyiah which has been accepted.
It would be nice if I could have a place right in the middle of the
Rova that would be big enough to have you all stay when you came to
visit Israel because
I don’t know how I am going to survive
there without all of my friends and this beautiful community. Then again
I didn’t know how I would survive witnessing Zion (z’’l)
become niftar and much to my disbelief I am still here. But the point
is that when I clean out a room at home it feels nice to have it under
control and in order but there is a direct antipathy in that I have
cleaned a lot of Zion up out of the room as all of his personality and
energy is in his things that he built up for the years that we were
together. So then I don’t want to clean up and have dilemmas about
what to throw and what not to and there is a race against time. My mind
plays tricks on me when I come across an item that reminds me of something
that happened or was of sentimental value and tells me oh yes here you
go again, you have so many of these reminders that he is not here surely
you are not going to fall to pieces on this one as well. It makes me
numb and insensitive to all the things that were special because I just
cant afford to keep being upset about the fact that it is impossible
to hold onto everything that happened and my mind is basically forcing
me to let go and I so much don’t want to. Its like my mind, body,
heart and soul are in total disarray, actually it's more like they are
at each others throats in a conflict causing so much friction that I
am wondering when spontaneous combustion comes into the equation.
Now you understand the first statement that I made about giving a standard
OK because people would avoid me if they thought that by asking me how
I am they would be opening up a Pandora’s box. These are just some
of the turmoil’s that a widower experiences by themselves, which
brings me to the point of why I am putting my most personal and difficult
feelings online for anyone who needs to read. I imagine that there will
be a group of us out there going through a similar mish mash of emotional
turmoil and if by reading this we feel comfort and reassurance in not
feeling so isolated by being able to compare notes then isn’t it
worthwhile? Below are some of the things that I have written down over
the last few months to offload my emotional baggage. Some reflect the
type of day that I had been having and others are more of an overview
of experiences. Believe me if you are looking for some light Purim entertainment
look elsewhere. What’s written here is an expression of very deep
pain despite trying to keep unwavering faith in Hashem. These writings
are not intended to be articulate, noble prize winning masterpieces
edited to the max, I don’t have the time for that, they have been
placed here with the intention to share my spontaneous evolvement of
pain and thought processes with others going through difficult situations
and to show how somehow with the help of Hashem and Zion’s (z’’l)
training, I always manage to arrive at the same conclusion - that when
there is pain so great and nothing else, there is the greatest hope
of all, Hashem. With out Him I would probably already be slipping deep
down into the darkest depths of despair with no psychological, mental
or emotional return. This is not a place that either Zion (z’’l)
or I would want anyone
to go to after already having been through so much.
Zion (z''l) with baby
zeryah
Doing drawings together
Hearing a story about JJ the pirate in bed
Father daughter love
Simhya & Zeryah about their Abba
Zeryah
One
night while in Israel we were staying with Meir, Zions youngest brother.
We had been to the zoo and Zeryah had eaten sugar for the whole day and
wasn’t feeling that good, she let off some steam while I was putting
her in the bed and she just went on and on and on and I could not stop
her because she was tired and sugared out. So this is what she said:
She said that it is just not fair and that she wants Abba back to play
with him and that he was so nice to us and everything that he did was
fun and that it is just not fair that he had to die and she didn’t
want anyone to die in our family. She wanted everyone to be alive because
Abba will get dirt in his eyes when he comes out of the ground and then
he will have to go back to the doctor and then he will have to be in the
hospital and then the whole thing will have start all over again. She
just doesn’t want this to happen and it is just not fair that he
has to be in the dirty ground and he doesn’t belong there and he
should be in life. It is not fair that we will not be able to see him
until moshiach comes and it is such a long time and she doesn’t want
to wait that long and that even when he used to yell at us he was always
right and he used to play games with us and play ball with us and teach
us things and sing us songs and his stories were so good and now we can't
give him hugs or kisses. She said I used to sit and play with his hair
on shabbat and he used to be so patient and I could put his hair up and
he wouldn’t say anything about it and I used to enjoy the Shabbats
together and now it is just not fair that we cant even be with him on
Shabbat or any time and wouldn’t it be good if he would just come
back and visit us tomorrow or today or yesterday and I just don’t
like the fact that he is stuck in the dirty old ground and I want him
to be alive again. All the time I'll be growned up without my Abba!
Simhya
On purim the
first one with out Zion (z’’l) we had a great time at our beloved
friends house, where there was laughter plays, drinks, good food and best
of all good company where everyone was happy. When we finally left and
got home I downloaded photos from the camera and noticed that Simhya was
looking a bit out in some of them and I went to see if she had gone to
sleep. She hadn’t so I hopped into bed with her and asked her if
she enjoyed herself and she said yes but they are so lucky, they have
a family with a father and mother who have fun, they are having fun doing
mitzvot, and they have more family that they went to after we left, who
are also having fun doing mitzvot. She said that our other family don’t
do all these things and she wished that she had a family that she could
enjoy with like this. And how is it that we have so little and it is taken
away and others have so much and they have everything. I hugged her and
told her that there will never be a substitute for the love of your Abba
because he loved you with all of his heart, you can see it in the photo’s.
But I guess if we made a comparison about how we would feel if we didn’t
have these special friends in contrast to the wonderful Purim that we
just had we should feel very, very fortunate that we have our dear friends
who we feel are just like family to share these experiences with us. And
she asked how we were going to survive without our friends and “family”
when we go to Israel? Yes we have family there but not like us. There
will be no community of angels supporting us every step of the way and
we will not only have to learn a new language and custom but we will be
alone absorbed into the Jerusalem society another widow or orphan. She
said that she didn’t want to go.
One
Sunday, as we were driving to Caulfield Park to go bike riding, we saw
an aged man leaning against a tree obviously exhausted or in pain, struggling
to stand up. Simhya was very worried about him and kept asking me whether
I thought he would be all right, she even went to the extent of riding
her bike ahead to see if he had received assistance from someone. Then
after a few hours in the park she asked me again if I thought he would
be all right and I mentioned to her that she seemed particularly worried
about this man. She told me that it’s not just him that I am thinking
about it’s the people at his home, who love him and would miss him
if anything should hasvechalillah happen to him, that I think about.
I hugged her and told her that the pain that she felt of missing her Abba
caused her to identify with the pain that the family of this elderly man
would experience if anything happened to him. I explained that it was
a very, very difficult thing, for a ten year old girl to experience the
loss of her father. She knows that it is normal to cry and express grief
in a way and a place that she feels comfortable with but I have not seen
much of it from her as she seems to be holding a lot inside. So I told
her that it is even more difficult for a ten year old girl to go through
this alone without having someone to talk to and that I was proud of her
that she was able talk to me about how she felt about the man in the park.
Simhya and her Abba liked to stay up together late as they were both night owls and they would play chess and Uno together until 1 o'clock in the morning. Zion (z''l) always taught her maths and hebrew and he truely believed that Simhya was a genius and wouldn't let anyone say anything about her brilliant mind.
A few years ago a mother said to me after discussing her daughters relationship with her father that there is a special bond between a father and daughter. Recently I saw that father dropping off his fifteen year old daughter after they had enjoyed each others company by walking to school together. As I watched my daughter walk past them alone, I felt the pain that our girls have to go through for the rest of their lives without experiencing the unabridged joy of this closeness of relationship with their father. Even in divorce the children can still always know that their father is around if they choose and are allowed to see him. Our girls can't run down the street with the carefree knowledge that their abba is following up from behind and watching over them. They have learned to look out for themselves. They have learned that there is only one father for them, nothing can replace him, not relatives, not friends, and no one else will have such a vested interest in loving them the way that a real father loves his children. I have lamented over the joy that is constantly being withheld from them and their father from this lack of closeness. And they have learned that what was once a natural given in their lives can now no longer be found in their very young world no matter how much they long for it to come back.
Torn between
two worlds
This
was written while we were in Israel a few days after the shloshim.
I
can’t find you anywhere in this world
I look and search and think and write for hours
How to find a way to get to you
But there is nothing here remotely like you
Just coldness, darkness and the pain of emptiness
It’s only been 37 days since I kissed you for the last time and
said goodbye
Every time your soul retreated in waves towards the next world
I felt mine being dragged away with you
Leaving a hollow shell to some how find the love and strength to grow
our precious girls
How can a broken vessel go through life with less than half a soul
I am torn halfway here and halfway there, with no place in between
The glowing brightness of the color of our life has now faded to grey
I hate it when people say time will heal
Because as each day goes by the distance of time
rubs even more salt into my wounds by setting us further apart
And it’s not you physically that I miss
I have no need for clothes, food, fresh air or sunshine,
These have no meaning without the privilege to walk beside you in this
world
I am ready to give every cent, breath, year and inch of life left in
me to have you back
Or to be able to go to you
And only you can feel the suffering of my shades of grey
Hashem sent you to re create me when I wanted to leave this world
No one else knows me like you do
You are my essence, my being, my soul, my life
Only
you know what I miss
They all say what they are missing
They did not live directly in your light and soul for years like I did
And then see, touch, feel and take out their strength from the pain
of the void
They can go back to their normal lives
And I am left living the agony of years without you
There is nothing to describe how much I miss
The warmth that beamed from your soul
The softness of your heart
The greatness of your spirit
The deepness of the love that we shared for each other
Your closeness and connection to Hashem and to us
And even if there were none of these left in you but you were still
here
I would be happy with just you
Because there was no reason why I loved you
I just did, the same way that you loved me
You said when there is no reason love can’t be destroyed
There are no other yous in this world
You are not replaceable
You are not exchangeable
I can’t see how I can be borrowed by anyone else
Nor can I see how I can belong to anyone else
Even though we are worlds apart
My place is beside you
Sometimes I cry until I feel that the pining I have for you will burst
my soul out of my body
Is this what happens when a person cries until they die?
G-d help me overcome this hauntedness
And learn to live for the children’s sake
Moshiach
would be here already
If bnei Israel would crave this much for closeness and connection to
Hashem
Please Hashem
I’m pleading.
Can’t it already be time for Moshiach?
Have mercy on us!
Exactly where I was
riding my bike all those years ago, at night, over the Yarra River on
Chapel St Bridge
The early morning rising baloons outside the window of our hospital room
I
did not hold myself together - Part One.
This
has been written as though I am talking to Zion (z’’l) as I
sit and write it into my lap top.
I held myself
together when I grew up in a cold unloving environment because when my
mother was about ten she witnessed her father die in a drowning accident
and had to as the eldest child become the other parent to her brothers
and sisters while her mother struggled with the loss of her husband. My
mother was therefor incapable of knowing how to express emotion, receive
love nor give it. Because motherly love was not a part of my childhood
experience, even though I had everything physically, that warmth of a
soul connection was always missing to the point that I never fitted into
the non-jewish environment that I grew up in. My best friend was my pet
cow called snoozer who would let me sit on her back while she happily
continued eating grass but there was nothing else to hold me in this world.
I held myself together when I moved away from home to live in Melbourne
to work, but there was even less warmth in being a number in a big city.
I had my friends from school that I’d grown up with but there was
no depth of relationship. One night when I was riding my bike home towards
our flat in Richmond across the Chapel Street Bridge over the Yarra River,
I thought to myself that I just didn’t want to be here any more,
I wanted to end my life. So I said to myself that if I was going to go
to G-d any way I would become religious. The problem was I had been in
a catholic school and it wasn't for me, so I thought about becomming a
nun but I knew I wouldn’t be able to do that either. I decided to
take some time to investigate other religions that I didn’t know
about and the next day, at the gym, you asked me if I would like to have
ice cream. I don’t know of many people who have refused ice cream
do you?
I held myself together while I found out that my whole way of thinking and mental thought processes were causing me to be very unhappy and then go through the pain of undergoing personality metamorphosis. You asked me whether I wanted to choose light rather than darkness, life rather than death and love rather than loneliness. Thank G-d you were the savior that Hashem sent to save and teach me to stop the darkness from coming in because no one else would have been strong enough, they would have drowned in the process.
I
held myself together at my work when I had to reject my youngest brother,
the only family member left that had not been turned away because they
had not supported my association with you because of the 21year age difference
as well as the cultural difference. As he stormed out of the back door
of work telling me that he never wanted to see me again, I had to resume
work as though nothing had happened so that no one would know what was
going on in our private lives.
I held myself together through the process of conversion when I used to
stay up studying until I fell asleep at the desk and when the Bet Din
rejected me time and time again, as they usually do, I ended up screaming
to you in the car that day saying no body on this earth is going to stop
me from becoming Jewish.
I
held myself together when we went to Israel to get married and I just
turned up with you to our wedding, not knowing the family, or the language,
or the place I was getting married in.
I held myself together when we had Simhya and I suffered from anxiety
attacks every time you would go to work and leave me with her by myself
because our neighbors would make life hell by keeping both me and her
awake all hours.
I held myself together when the first tumor on the lip appeared and then
disappeared again after two months, and then the next one came back in
another position and went again and we thought that they were cold saws.
Then when the third wouldn’t go away and kept getting bigger and
bigger and you didn’t want to do anything about it because you knew
that work, study and everything would stop if we dealt with it and you
told me that the only thing that would kill you was my nagging to get
something done about it.
I
held myself together when we went to Israel to be with the support of
your family to take out the first tumor on your lip. I was in a country
that I did not know the language and so even though it was the doctors
in Israel that saved your life I couldn’t defend myself when they
poisoned your family’s support against me by implying that if I had
been looking after you properly and done something about it earlier you
wouldn’t only have four years left to live. So until one of your
brothers offered to take care of Simhya, G-d bless him, she had to come
with us in the car, every time vomiting from travel sickness through the
mountains and then be entertained for hours on a dirty hospital floor
while I was sitting next to you sick and in pain, when we were doing all
the appointments, scans and operations.
I held myself together when we came back from Israel and I by my self
with no family nor community support, while looking after Simhya and the
house, had to see you go through radiation therapy where your neck and
throat was so burnt that you couldn’t swallow and you almost starved
and then your reconstruction operations where your tongue was sewn to
your lip for two weeks and you could only eat through a straw, your deep
sea hyperbaric dives to increase blood circulation for healing, as well
as the way that people would stare at you in the street as though you
were some kind of freak.
I
held myself together when I could not forget this nightmare I had had
where just Simhya me and Zeryah were walking in a courtyard between two
tall buildings on either side of us and we weren’t coming back because
in the dream I could feel your presence and energy was not there, it had
gone. So for eight years straight I was like more than a paranoid Jewish
mother who would not allow anyone in the family to do anything where even
the slightest risk was involved so that I could remain responsible for
looking after my family just so that we could control our life to avoid
the nightmare of death or anything related to it. Even though this meant
that we lived off the smell of an oily rag for years just so that you
didn’t have to go back to work and drive yourself into the ground
again like we did with the first cancer and so that you could do what
you really loved and that was to study the Kabbalah and paint.
I held myself together in a very disturbed way when one night I had that
dream where I woke up with my heart beating so fast that I thought I was
having a heart attack because in the dream you had been in the car with
Simhya and I asked you where Zeryah was and you said you didn’t know
and I said how could you not know and I looked and her head was squashed
under the wheel of the car and I had seen that it was too late for her
and nothing could be done. The next week I had the same dream only this
time it was Simhya, and a few days later Simhya had a fall where she had
to be taken to hospital on Chanukah 2005 where they explained the symptoms
of internal head injuries if in case we needed to come back.
I was so very held together when we went for our annual check up at Peter
Mac where we were told that you had overcome your first cancer and that
we didn’t have to worry about it. I was so happy and felt so privileged
that I could spend the rest of my life with you and grow old together
and at that stage as we walked out of the hospital I thought of all the
people sitting there who would have given everything to hear about themselves
what we had just heard.
I held myself together when a few weeks later my worst nightmare of the
last eight years reared its ugly head and entered our life like a stab
in the heart from the angel of death himself when we ended up at that
same courtyard in my dream the Alfred hospital at the emergency department
after I had identified from the episode with Simhya and her head injuries
that you were having head injury symptoms consistant with seizures. That
night we were provided with the knowledge that you had two brain tumors
and the possibility of more in the rest of the body. When I came home
to put the children to bed like in the dream, I could feel your presence
and energy was not there in the house, it had gone from where it had resided
all those years and I started to panic. I would cringe from the thickness
of the energy of death hovering above the Alfred Hospital every time I
would come to bring you something from home. After five days of waking
up in horror from anxiety and distress attacks that gave me only one or
two hours of sleep, with an agonizing nightmare to live through for another
day I wrote a letter to the community requesting
spiritual support over Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
I held myself together when you were stuck in a machine that was taking
a tissue sample of your lung to determine the type of cancer you had and
while you were crying out in pain I was sitting right outside the door
with tears streaming down my face, trying to read tehillim, begging that
the tests were all wrong and it had all just been a mistake and that I
could wake up from the bad dream and go back to a week ago when we had
life on our side.
I held myself together when the only way we knew how to deal with the
cancer was to fight it as this had been our whole mentality for the last
eight years. But the doctors were not giving us the chance, they were
telling us that we just had to maintain the quality of life while we had
it and to us it was a sentence of death to just sit down and wait to die.
I would stand and watch the children playing on their oval at Wesley College
from the Alfred’s palliative care ward and oh how I wished we could
be out there doing that. And you had a dream that we were riding on a
white horse trying to jump over a brick fence that was just too high to
get over. And then you had another dream that you had come face to face
with a very short, ugly angel of death but was not afraid of him. It was
then that I screamed at you and told you that we were getting out of here
and that you didn’t belong here. Thank G-d friends in the community
gave us the name of another specialist where we transferred to St Vincent’s
hospital with a prognosis of perhaps beating the cancer within five years.
This doctor is a lung cancer specialist who said that because the lung
cancer had been the primary tumor and had then spread to the brain we
could do a PET scan on the rest of the body to see if it hasn’t spread
anywhere else and if not it would be best to operate on both sets of tumors,
do chemotherapy and then radiation therapy. The PET scan didn’t show
any spread to other parts of the body, but it couldn’t show cancer
spread to fluid parts of the body.
I tried to hold myself together when after we had removed successfully
the two brain tumors and had been sent to rehabilitation where I was jealous
of the elderly people who were twice your age and had more strength left
in them than you. But you were getting worse rather than better and I
wrote a letter to the doctors saying something was not right. Eventually
we ended up back at St Vincent’s where a week later it was established
that the cancer had spread to your spinal fluid and that no therapy or
anything could cure or help and it was just a matter of time before you
would leave me here in this world without you. I remembered at this time
the dream that I had almost exactly one year ago on Chanukah 2005 about
the car and how nothing could be done. It was also there in the hospital
that you forced me to familiarize myself with identifying you in a dream
because once when I had gone to sleep in the chair beside you with the
torah and tehillim on my lap you came to me in a dream in a way that I
could not ignore you by doing something that only you and I would recognize
as ours. It was the first time that you had come to me in a dream where
I recognized you as being part of another life, not this one. I wanted
to go back to sleep because you looked so strong and free and not sick,
but I couldn’t so I woke you up because I was very afraid that you
were already half way into the next world. I would drive home to do something
for the children who were being looked after by our beloved friends, past
that very same Chapel Street bridge and scream to Hashem that He gave
me life over this bridge please, I would beg, please don’t take it
away from me now after all that we had been through.
I held myself together with immense community support in the last few weeks of your life while I watched your brain deteriorate and the rest of your body waste away. I would hold you in my arms for hours and hours on end with the knowledge that I would not be able to do this for much longer, I would sing to you while I watched the balloons rising up towards the sunrise outside the window. I would wipe your hair away from your face while making sure that your medication machines were giving you the right amount of pain killer so that you didn’t have to suffer more than what you already had. I would change your bed while the lights of Melbourne showed me that everyone else was asleep and it was just you and I and the people in the hospital left awake. I would turn you on your side when you had an unconscious fit so that you would not suffocate if you vomited. I would try to feed you even though your swallowing reflex no longer worked and because of this it was dangerous to cause infection in your lungs and after so many years of taking care of you and making sure that you had absolutely everything you could have in order to be nourished and survive it was so very hard to accept that you could not be given any more food to eat. I would drift through the haze of the days, 24 hours in the hospital and see the staff come and go and come back again for the next set of shifts and go again and then come again. And there in that room that we were together for so many of our last hours, I would pray, beg, plead, bend over backwards, forwards and cry over your bed for mercy, for the decision to be changed by Hashem. While I knew that my cries were not only reaching but shattering the worlds above in search of a repreive and that there was no way that Hashem could not be listening, I felt that it could not be changed the same as it was with Moshe Rabeinu.
I tried to hold myself together that night your pain was worse than ever, where me and nurse Jini tried to manage it all night but you got to a stage that you were frothing at the mouth and weren’t responding even with your eyes and all the doctors were saying that death was close so in the morning the friends that I love so much organized for a minyan - ten men to make a prayer to accompany a person when they leave this world and go to the next - to arrive so I packed up our things and made space in the room for all our friends from the community who had given so much support to us. By about mid day a second minyan had arrived and I went to the bathroom outside your room. When I came back your pupils were almost fully dilated so I sat down beside you with a room full of men and held your hand, your nails were white and your fingers purple and then you stopped breathing, only for a second because I pushed your chest so that you would start again, then after a few more breaths you stopped breathing again and I pushed you again, and then it happened again and I was told that at this stage I wasn’t allowed to be with you anymore and that I should say goodbye. So for the last time I brushed that hair away from your face, I closed my eyes and kissed you on the forehead and said goodbye. I let your hand go and then in the arms of a friend cried out “where are you, where are you my neshama?” while the men in the room started making the prayers that they make when a soul is departing. I turned around to see a white sheet covering your face and I sat down on the floor with the realization that it was final, you were gone and I was now going to face the most difficult, frightening challenge of our life on my own.
Part
2 will be added some time in the future
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A copy of the first & second letters sent to the community
First
Letter
I started writing
this letter Thursday morning at about 3.30am five days after Zion(z''l)
had been admitted to hospital, the morning before Rosh Hashana. When
I would come home and his energy was not in the house, it would drive
me crazy with fear and anxiety so that I could not sleep and I would
lye in bed and think of how I could save him and what I could do to
help him.
22.9.06
Dear All,
As news travels fast in our community some of you will probably have
already heard that my husband Zion Asaraf is in hospital. After absorbing
the shock of what we thought was something we had overcome, we have
decided to focus our energies on what can be done rather than what can’t
be done and only on the hope of recovery. Therefore we request that
your sympathy or commiserations be translated into encouragement and
offers of practical support.
While Zion's family live in Israel, it was mentioned to me by a friend,
who was extending food and accommodation support for us to share Rosh
Hashanah with Zion in the Hospital, that this community is our family.
I thank her and the others that have supported us as though we are members
of one entire jewish family.
Zion’s gift is to be able to see how an individual is connected
to the light of Hashem through their unique characteristics and neshamah
(soul). He chooses to pray in many synagogues across Melbourne as a
declaration of unity and understanding that every group in our community
has its own characteristics and functions all of whom ultimately have
their unique expressions of love and devotion to Hashem as Jews. As
a result, he has met many of you and knowing Zion it is more than likely
he has attempted to share some of his insight with you. Therefore whether
the effect of his insight given to you was great or small I am asking
you to use this in your prayer to ask Hashem to have mercy on Zion.
At such an auspicious time of the year it is not a coincidence that
someone who’s name represents the love of Israel, who’s day
of birth on Tisha Ba’Av symbolises redemption and salvation (Zion
Be Mishpat Tipadeah) and who’s essence is to bridge personal differences
to bring us closer together to love & serve Hashem is coming under
fire. It can be paralleled to the situation in Israel that is very serious
and under threatening attack by our enemies. Despite this there remain
many communities in Israel filled with individual tzaddikim who sacrifice
physical blessings and safety for spiritual blessings and have the merit
to be likened to an angel capable of shifting the balance of the accusing
party in heaven to nullify any negative or evil decrees. Our community,
even though in Australia also sacrifice physical blessings for spiritual
pursuits and the same way that Israel needs the prayers of Jewish tzaddikim
I need your prayers.
Therefore as it is Rosh Hashanah tonight, the ten days of teshuvah and
Yom Kippur next week I am asking everyone unite as members of one entire
family in prayer not only for the future and safety of Israel and our
promised redemption but also for Simhya's, Zeryah's and my dear Zion
ben Simcha. Please call up all of Zions merit and beg and ask Hashem
to exercise only his attribute of chesed (kindness) and nullify any
evil decree against Zion. If we all do it together we might be able
to tip the scales and transform that ray of hope into the beaming light
of Hashems salvation.
Shanah Tovah and may we only have Simchas
Gilly
Second letter to community
24.11.06
Dear All,
I wish I had better news to be sending around but unfortunately we are
having to plan for the worst. You all probably know that Zion had a
skin cancer on his lower lip eight years ago that thank G-d we overcame
but in September of this year Zion was admitted to hospital with two
brain tumors and a lung tumor. After saving him from the Alfred Hospitals
palative care ward to a better prognosis and after a very strong contribution
on everyones behalf, Wednesday one week ago the Doctors found cancer
cells growing in Zion's spinal fluid. This means that even though we
removed the two brain tumors, the cancer cells in the spinal fluid are
coating the outer layer of Zion's brain with tumor and blocking vital
blood supply and causing other neurological disorder symptoms such as
the unconscious periods he was having a few weeks ago. While it is up
to Hashem the Doctors assume that eventually he will fall into a comma.
There is no radiation nor chemo therapy that will help and right now
he is on high doses of steroids to reduce swelling in the brain and
this thankfully relieves him of most of his symptoms and he looks quite
well, but the effects of the steroids wear off after a few weeks and
he has already been on them for a week and a half which is when the
Doctors imagine we will start having problems again unless Hashem wants
to perform a big miracle. So because Zion wants to be burried in Har
Hazeitim in Jerusalem where his father was burried and he wants to see
his mother we are having to get up and travel to Israel now at this
time before the effect of the steroids wear off. We only have until
the end of next week to get there otherwise he will be considered unfit
to travel. He has to travel in business class where the seats can recline
to at least 170 degrees. We are trying to organise what it will cost
for medical expenses but because he won't be entitled to medical insurance
in Israel for at least 18 months we will have to pay full fees and we
don't know for how long or what this cost will be and it could go into
tens of thousands of dollars. But I am still doing my best to accomadate
Zion's wishes. I have included my account details for anyone who wants
to contribute and both Yeshivah and Addas can make an allocation in
their charitable funds for us for anyone who wants to provide larger
tax deductable amounts.
for contributing from overseas there is a swift code: xxxxxxx My account
number is: xxxxxxxxx at that bank
I know that after the heart and soul of the different factions of our
community came together in such a united way to do everything they could
to save Zion this is very disheartening news. Even though all the physical
solutions to this problem have been exhausted there is still a spiritual
realm with Hashem in it, and we all know that Hashem is capable of doing
very big things but if Hashem has chosen to take Zions soul, as bitter
as it will be to me, the children and all of us, then we have no choice
but to accept. I however, have always held onto even the last distant
glimer of hope and Hashem has so far been very kind so please over the
next few weeks continue to pray for us, say tehillim, cry out to Hashem
for we will need all of the help we can get in the coming weeks.
As I mentioned in my first letter when I asked you to pray for Zion
that everyone has their own unique expression of love to Hashem which
Zion wanted to be respected and tolerated by everyone. This unique expression
of care and contributions from the very depth of your hearts was what
I used as best as I could to help Zion. Not only was it possible to
remain united for an important cause but it was just amazing for me
to witness how many miracles occured when you all prayed and read tehillim
for us. The kiddusha of the Melbourne community is extremely powerful
and should not be underestimated and if any community deserves to witness
the comming of moshiach it is ours. Bezrat Hashem we will only need
to put our united energies towards positive causes and the service and
love to Hashem in the future.
I also urge all of you to study Shmirat halashon as the day that I decided
to start learning, Hashem showed us a window of escape from the Alfred
hospital palative care ward.
We should enjoy more time with our loved ones and not put too much of
our energy nor be too stressed about what car we drive or the size of
the house etc because without your loved ones around you, there is no
desire to enjoy the taste of food, buy new clothes or live in a house
which does not contain your special neshamot to share it all with. For
the last two months on Shabbat I have either sat at other peoples shabbat
tables or been in the hospital, I would have loved to resume normal
daily activities like washing the dishes or picking up that shirt for
the twentieth time. I would like all of you to remember that when you
sit at your shabbat table it doesn't matter how tired you are from the
preparation, it matters that you have the opportunity to participate
in the service Hashem with the ones you love, in joy and health because
if we have a future ahead of us full of these experiences we should
consider ourselves very very blessed.
I don't know how the two words thank you can sufficiently express the
true depth of feeling of gratitude I have for all of you and what you
have done over the past few months, I guess the best thanks would have
been for Hashem to make Zion better, but may you all be blessed and
rewarded with good health, happiness, and an abundance of blessing from
above and witness the arrival of Moshiach.
Take care of xxx and xxxxx and xxxxxx who have so closely and lovingly
looked after me and the girls, support them in every way that you possibly
can.
Bezrat Hashem, if Zion is feeling up to it he would like to thank people
informally (not in a speech format) so we will be at the Werdiger Hall
on Sunday night 26th Nov 2006, from 6-7pm, or for however long Zion
will be able to stay there as we fly out Sunday night at 1am.
Gilly
(As it happened Zions health deteriorated markedly on the Shabbat proor
to departure, despite the fact that friends had spent the whole day
raising money to pay for the tickets and had come with us to get the
passports with Zion and we stayed until 6.30 on a Friday in the passport
office and there were problems with the name and then the ticket had
to be changed and the tour operator got frustrated and refused to cooperate
and argued with my friends. On Sunday Zion's brother didn’t want
us to go by ourselves because he didn’t know what we were going
to in Israel nor whether Zion would get there alive. We had to get the
Rabbi twice to come to see Zion in hospital to make a decision and it
just wasn’t going to work because he said that they wouldn’t
have let us get on the plane like that and then we would loose our tickets
if we turned up but couldn’t fly. So we decided at the last minute
that it couldn’t be done with me alone on the plain with Zion and
what would happen if we got stuck in Bangkok and couldn't go forward
nor come back. So I went to the Werdiger hall without Zion with firends
and a lot of people were there and the whole community was extremely
generous.)